Baby Blues

Sometimes they are so bad I don't want to do anything but lay in bed in my pyjamas and watch tv with Carter until Matt gets home. But then other days I am up early and out the door all day going to classes and running errands with baby in tow. It definitely seems to correlate with how much sleep I got the night before, but there's more to it than that. Getting out of the house is really important to my well being right now. Being with other new moms or those with little ones makes me feel less lonely and validates that what I'm doing now really is interesting and important. I mean, of course raising Carter is the most important thing in my life right now, followed by my marriage as a close second. But some days I feel sort of in shock over how much things have changed for me in the past couple of years. I went from being a single career girl with a condo in the city who bared her belly on weekends to a married stay at home mom living in a house in the suburbs who lives in sweats on the days she does get dressed.

I never imagined I'd be a 'housewife' or a 'stay at home mom'. I mean, I wasn't sure I even wanted a baby until I turned 35, and at the time I didn't even have a boyfriend. Then that summer on July 1 (2005) it all changed. I met Matt and in less than 6 months we were engaged. I was still working as an independent consultant and flying to my job somewhere each week. Then we got married the next fall (2006) and I took a 'stable' job in Edmonton at Deloitte. Then we moved to the suburbia of Sherwood Park that winter. We also got pregnant that spring but unfortunately lost the baby. Then we took a breath! We took 4 months off to travel and reassess. Then we came back to work that fall (2007) and got pregnant again. This last summer (2008) we had our baby boy, Carter. Just 3 years since the day we met.

And here I am. My 'job' is to take care of Carter and the house. Taking care of baby is not the problem - I love him and spend many hours just playing with him or holding him while he naps. Getting the housework done, working out, tackling projects that have been on my 'to do list' for eons...that's the challenge. I find my energy is low and my motivation most days even lower. I feel some shame in asking...'is this all there is?'

I know many people who are stay at home moms and they seem to love it. I also know many more who don't yet have children or some who never do want them. They seem to love their lives too. I know a few who are career women with children but not many. It's not an easy choice to make. Especially when the baby is young.

I am thinking of going back to work when my maternity leave is up, but hopefully I'm pregnant again by then and it would only be for 20 weeks (the magic number to get maternity leave again). It would mean a lot more money in our pockets and that gets us closer to the dream of owning our own business. But we have talked about all sorts of childcare options and none of them seems to be the answer. I'd love my mom to do it - that's definitely choice #1 for us - but she is 69 and just too tired to watch a 1yr old full time. Matt could stay home but he makes more than I do so that doesn't make sense. Day Care scares the crap out of both of us. There are too many examples of things going wrong there (both personally and anecdotally). Day Homes don't sound like a much better choice. Regardless of if we actually found one we like, it seems we had to go on a list when Carter was just a fetus to get into one. (I've procrastinated greatly on this because the idea of someone else who is not a relative watching my baby gives me hives.)

So for now I will continue to do what I can each day. Some days that means getting out of the house early with Carter to go to the Chiropractor (he weighs 22.15 pounds now, are you kidding?), then to yoga or strollercise or salsa babies, then coffee or lunch with some new mom friends, then shopping at Costco or Sobeys and home to wash bottles, fold laundry and maybe read Facebook. Once a week I even go to the gym with Jade for a 'real' workout and non baby talk. On the weekends that Matt doesn't work he helps me clean the house and run more errands. But some days are like today - I am still in my pjs at 12:13pm, Carter is on the floor beside me wailing because he can't get every toy to fit in his mouth at one time and I'm hoping to get some things done when I get off this blog. If not, no biggie. This is my life right now and although it is NOT glamorous, I do NOT fit into my skinny jeans and I DO have puke and pee on me most days...I truly love every day I am a mom.

Crazy, eh?